The Bachelor: I Like Ben, Butttttttttt ...

Dude, that's a nice fucking horse. 

I can't get over how small Ben's nipples are.

I like the guy, don't get me wrong. He's got a decent sense of humor and doesn't take himself too seriously, but those nipples -- like two cherry Life Savers -- I just can't get them out of my head.

I sort of want to paint Ben's nips silver, sketch out F.D.R.'s profile on 'em and then chop 'em off and attempt to make a call from a local payphone. I know, I know, I'd still need five cents, but ...

The ladies are absolutely loving Ben's nips. A few of them are already quite smitten and could see Ben's nips as the nips that they could end up marrying. But there's more to a man than his nips. And if the girls could just step back and take off their nip-colored glasses, they may find a few red flags with our mini-nippled Bachelor.

For one, Ben admitted last night that his favorite condiment is mustard. NOW THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS. Mustard?!?! I like mustard, and it has it's place in the world, but to say that it's your FAVORITE condiment? OUTRAGEOUS! Just off the top of my head, these condiments are all way better than mustard: mayonnaise, ketchup, barbecue sauce, bleu cheese, DEFINITELY bleu cheese, sriracha, TARTAR SAUCE, sweet-and-sour sauce, aoioli (which has taken over the world of onion rings by the way), hot sauce, thousand island dressing and any sort of sweet corn relish. And I didn't even get into various Cheez Whiz products!

I'll take Elizabeth Banks over Colonel Mustard any day.

I'm also pretty sure that on his group date he called S'mores "Sch'mores." I don't have DVR, so I couldn't rewind it to find out for sure that he called S'mores "Sch'mores," but I know what I heard and I heard "Sch'mores."

Sch'moreso, Ben is planning dates that are WAYYYYYYYYY too long. The editors made it look like Rachel and Ben had nothing to talk about on their date, but they were out for over twelve hours! No first date should ever last more than three. Pick her up, chat about some stuff, go do something, accidentally spill a drink on your pants forcing your date to look at your package (it looks bigger when your pants are wet) and then run away leaving her with the image of your wet dork on her brain. It's basic dating 101. I'll tell ya what else is basic dating 101: don't EVER get THAT close to a beaver dam!!!! And if you do find yourself that close to a beaver dam, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT ever point at a beaver dam and say "there's a beaver dam!" Beavers can get VERY angry VERY quickly (especially when they think that you're mocking their wet crotches).

Ben sure did look like a sucker giving Courtney that rose on the group date. How are Bachelors always falling for the girls that pout? And why did Courtney quote Charlie Sheen ... "Winnnnning!" ... TWICE?!?! 

Ugh, it's pretty frustrating to watch Ben fall for Courtney's isht. There's really nothing cool about her (or her babytalking). When it became obvious to Courtney that the other chicks didn't like her, Courtney told them, "I get along better with guys," which essentially means, "I sucked all my guy friends' dicks."

No skinny tie!

But despite making these mistakes, Ben does have some go-to moves. His favorite seems to be the I'm-holding-two-wine-glasses-in-my-hand-at-once move, which I know is driving women all across the country CRAZY. Chicks actually fall for that sort of stuff! "Wow, he can hold two glasses. Oh my gawd, his fingers must be so strong, FDR's my favorite president, fireside chats, so sensitive." There was a girl I went to college with, Tracy Somethingjewish, who told me that she LOVVVVVED when guys would palm the wheel while driving. "Palming the wheel" is when you make a turn but leave your hand open, using your palm to steer. It's a pretty standard move, I'm pretty sure my Uncle Ivan does it all the time, but Tracy swore it was like the hottest thing ever. Since then, on every date I've ever gone on I've made sure to palm the wheel.

"Evan, why are you turning left again? Didn't we just go left?"

"Yeah baby, two lefts makes a right."

"What? No. Two lefts makes a U-turn. We're going the wrong way."

"'Bout to make a left baby, hold on."

"All right, now we're going the right way again. Why's your left turn signal on again? I feel dizzy."

"Pass me my water bottle baby, I'm about to make my dick look HUGE."

Her neck is probably so warm. 

I dunno, Ben's all right I guess, but I just can't get into a dude whose hair whips in the breeze when he rides a horse (no matter how big or small his nips are). And I would never date a person who didn't put mayonnaise as their CLEAR CUT #1 condiment. But these girls are falling for Ben. Courtney likes Ben and Kacie B. likes Ben and Jennifer likes Ben and Nicki likes Ben and Emily likes Ben and the lady that got kicked off last night that never talked to Ben liked Ben and that's nice for Ben, it really is, but he needs to stop cuddling and holding hands and making girls in yellow bikinis wear harnesses and start taking advantage of the fact that these chicks like him.

I'm talking about sex.

Ben needs to have sex with these women.

Because before he knows it, he'll be married and celibate and sitting around one night and his wife'll say, "You know, your nipples are fucking small as shit dude, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just pointing it out 'cause I've always thought it and thought you should know. So don't go getting all gay on me and getting sad, all right? I'm just saying your fucking nipples are small. They're really small. Trash day's tomorrow by the way."

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