Nick Lachey Is Totally Back In My Life

Now where did I put my toe-nail clipper?

If I had to rank boy bands (and I do), 98 Degrees would definitely not be the worst. They wouldn't be the tallest, but they also wouldn't be the worst. These guys would be the worst:

Tito, I'm thinking of wearing my sweater vest with all the buttons for the photo shoot, whaddya think? ........ Sounds good, cause I'm gonna wear my puke green Bob Marley cartoon tee with the sleeves rolled up. Freddy, you wearing the Georgetown skull cap that shows off your ENORMOUS neck? ........ Hellllll yeahhhhhhhh.

But this article isn't about these guys, it's about Nick Lachey and his latest 15 minutes of fame as the new host of the NBC's The Sing Off, which was brought to my attention in an email from my friend The Jedi.

Have you ever watched "The Sing Off?" Saw the second hour of it last night. What the F. It was ridiculous and I was sure you watched it.

If you have not seen it: it's this barbershop quartet / a cappella singing contest like American Idol but the judges are the skinny guy from Boyz II Men, Ben Folds and some really good looking chick that I just learned through http://www.nbc.com/sing-off/ won Dancing With the Stars. 

The difference between a terrible a cappella group and the greatest one ever is impossible for a normal person to distinguish. 

Yup, sold!

For the record, I had not heard of The Sing Off and the Jedi did not spell Boyz II Men entirely correctly in his original email. He got the "II" part right, but spelled Boyz with an "s" as opposed to a "z." Regardless, my Monday nights are no longer free to watch football. Plus, I noticed that this Monday night at 9, Mariah Carey is having a one hour special where she'll sing pregnant Christmas songs.

Mariah's beard and Santa's hair both styled by Nick Arrojo

Lachey however is not limiting himself to hosting barbershop singing contests (nor should he) as I flipped on Live With Regis and Kathie Lee this morning to find him guest co-hosting with Kelly Ripa. I would also like to state for the record that my wife does NOT watch Live With Regis and Kathie Lee because she has a JOB and the show is DUMB and thus Live With Regis and Kathie Lee is not an officially endorsed TV My Wife Watches program. It is however a TV I Like To Watch While Unemployed or Home Sick With Mono When I Was In 8th Grade program and to be honest, A PRETTY GOOD SHOW!

This morning, Kelly went on some tangent to discuss herself (shocking) and the wax statue that Madame Tussauds is making of her. In Kelly's defense, she did kind of have a funny joke when she said that a wax statue of her was pretty redundant. In fact, I actually think Kelly is sort of funny / likable except she is always sitting in positions that make her seem to be absolutely freezing. Her arms will be folded or she'll be shivering or hunched over, similarly to a frail grandmother or starving teenager at her Bat Mitzvah. Lachey responded to Kelly by saying that he already had a wax statue made of him (in a strip mall in the Philippines) where apparently 98 Degrees is HUGE. This is hardly surprising considering TV My Wife Watches is also huge in the Philippines (two hits from there last week!).   

I also defy you to spell Philippines correctly. How many L's? How many P's? My middle name is Philip and I seriously had to ask my mother how to spell it when I was applying for a job in my twenties.

Nick Lachey, Bristol Palin and Serena Williams pose for a photo op.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I do know that thanks to unemployment I just saw The Situation give Nick Lachey secrets to a "Killer Ab Workout" while a freezing cold woman with a giant clavicle sticking out of her sweater sat on a stool screaming, "That's what I'm talking 'bout!"  I also know that I will watch anything with a barbershop quartet.

For the record, top 5 boy bands:

1. The Jackson Five
2. Boyz II Men
3. New Edition
4. 112
5. Backstreet Boys

Also, I just watched a little of a New Kids on the Block reunion concert on Palladia from 2010 and I'm 99% sure that Donnie Wahlberg was performing with a backbrace on. And the women in the crowd were honestly SO OLD. One lady had a sign that read, "Donnie, do my breast exam." Oh, and one guy (not Joey, not Donnie, not The Main Guy, but someone else) looks EXACTLY LIKE A HORSE these days and I'M NOT JOKING.

Lastly, this is an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING website and totally worth checking out ... 45 ridiculous pictures of boy bands. Two of my personal favorites below.

I'll take "What is a Buffalo Stance?" for 800 Alex. 

Mr. Milk of Magnesia looks totally normal hovering above them. Totally normal!

Stuff I Might Watch This Week That My Wife Doesn't Even Watch

Looks like I'll be watching Ellen again today.

Monday on Ellen: Russell Brand

Tuesday on Regis and Kathie Lee: Pee Wee Herman

Friday on Ellen: Wanda Sykes

Pop champagne, oh-oh! Pop champagne!

Posts coming later this week: Ellen (w/ Christina Hendricks), Law and Order SUV, Mad Men Season Finale, Dancing With the Stizzies and who knows what other complete crap?!?!

For the record, my wife also says there's a new show on Logo called, The A List (that is essentially like Real Housewives, but all gay dudes) that is COMPLETELY out of control. I watched for about 7 minutes with her and then went into our kitchen and started jamming my eyeballs with an ice pick.

And apparently we have a channel called Logo.

Live With Regis and Not Kathie Lee (and Hillary Duff)

Kelly Ripa could fit a whole 'nother butt in that stool.

This morning I flipped on Regis and Kelly for the first time since the show was called Regis and Kathie Lee (I used to watch it every morning when I had mono in 8th grade, along with Days of Our Lives ... clearly as I look back, that had to be the impetus for this blog ... thanks mono).

And you know what?

The show is not terrible!

Regis is EXACTLY the way I remembered him (which was EXACTLY the way that Dana Carvey used to impersonate him). He pretends to be flustered, talks about Notre Dame football and sporadically yells at the camera ("Are you ready for this?! I'm outta control!").

Kelly is also quite predictable. She's cute, a little self-absorbed and with the exception of her blonde locks, is probably completely hairless. Kelly started the show by telling a story that a grand total of zero people in the studio audience could relate to. She described the previous night's rainstorm and the fact that hail pounded on her 20 foot skylights in her uptown, loft, Manhattan apartment. Later, she discussed her surprise 40th birthday party at a swanky club where she danced with Anderson Cooper. Last April, for my birthday, I got some fried chicken from Fingers Wings and Other Things and ate it in a non-sky-lit hospital room as my father recovered from heart surgery (which was probably the impetus for my impending heart surgery in 2044).

Hillary Duff and the 201st leading goal scorer in the NHL

Regis and Kelly's first guest was Condoleeza Rice; at which point I decided to change the channel. When I came back minutes later, I realized that when Regis and Kelly do their interviews, they come out from behind their desk and Kelly shows off her completely hairless legs (this then became the impetus for me to think about masturbating).

Following Condoleeza was Hillary Duff (whose legs were equally as hairless), and the two women and their four legs surrounded Regis (undoubtedly serving as his impetus for him to masturbate following the show). You gotta think that at this point, the only reason that Regis does the show is to find new material to jerk-off to. After 76 years of marriage, there's no way that Joy still does it for him and based on his ability to scream at a camera, I'm guessing he can still produce a hard-on.

Hillary Duff (who apparently is now an author) spent her time talking about her husband (she used the word, "soul mate") who happens to be professional hockey player, Mike Comrie. I hadn't heard of him either. The Duffinator also described the impetus to them getting together as totally "random." It was at this point that I decided to make a sandwich instead of masturbating.

All in all, not a horrible way to start my morning. Between Regis screaming like a mad man and Kelly Ripa having the body-hair of a tortoise, I may even come back and tune in tomorrow (with special guest: Morgan Freeman). I wonder if that dude on Days of Our Lives still has an eye-patch? He must.