Live With Regis and Not Kathie Lee (and Hillary Duff)

Kelly Ripa could fit a whole 'nother butt in that stool.

This morning I flipped on Regis and Kelly for the first time since the show was called Regis and Kathie Lee (I used to watch it every morning when I had mono in 8th grade, along with Days of Our Lives ... clearly as I look back, that had to be the impetus for this blog ... thanks mono).

And you know what?

The show is not terrible!

Regis is EXACTLY the way I remembered him (which was EXACTLY the way that Dana Carvey used to impersonate him). He pretends to be flustered, talks about Notre Dame football and sporadically yells at the camera ("Are you ready for this?! I'm outta control!").

Kelly is also quite predictable. She's cute, a little self-absorbed and with the exception of her blonde locks, is probably completely hairless. Kelly started the show by telling a story that a grand total of zero people in the studio audience could relate to. She described the previous night's rainstorm and the fact that hail pounded on her 20 foot skylights in her uptown, loft, Manhattan apartment. Later, she discussed her surprise 40th birthday party at a swanky club where she danced with Anderson Cooper. Last April, for my birthday, I got some fried chicken from Fingers Wings and Other Things and ate it in a non-sky-lit hospital room as my father recovered from heart surgery (which was probably the impetus for my impending heart surgery in 2044).

Hillary Duff and the 201st leading goal scorer in the NHL

Regis and Kelly's first guest was Condoleeza Rice; at which point I decided to change the channel. When I came back minutes later, I realized that when Regis and Kelly do their interviews, they come out from behind their desk and Kelly shows off her completely hairless legs (this then became the impetus for me to think about masturbating).

Following Condoleeza was Hillary Duff (whose legs were equally as hairless), and the two women and their four legs surrounded Regis (undoubtedly serving as his impetus for him to masturbate following the show). You gotta think that at this point, the only reason that Regis does the show is to find new material to jerk-off to. After 76 years of marriage, there's no way that Joy still does it for him and based on his ability to scream at a camera, I'm guessing he can still produce a hard-on.

Hillary Duff (who apparently is now an author) spent her time talking about her husband (she used the word, "soul mate") who happens to be professional hockey player, Mike Comrie. I hadn't heard of him either. The Duffinator also described the impetus to them getting together as totally "random." It was at this point that I decided to make a sandwich instead of masturbating.

All in all, not a horrible way to start my morning. Between Regis screaming like a mad man and Kelly Ripa having the body-hair of a tortoise, I may even come back and tune in tomorrow (with special guest: Morgan Freeman). I wonder if that dude on Days of Our Lives still has an eye-patch? He must.