DWTS: Week 4 - See Ya Situation!

Do I really need to type anything here?

My mother is notorious for talking throughout every television show. The President could be delivering an emergency message to the world that General Zod has taken over and my mother would still feel the need to tell me that her friend Nancy's daughter just got buy-one-get-one lamb chops at the Roxborough Pathmark.

For the most part, I tune her out, but this past week my wife and I watched Dancing With the Stars with her, which led to a laundry list of memorable quotes throughout the evening. So let's allow these quotes to guide this week's post.

"Oh I don't like her at all. I don't like her looks or her personality or anything. You're not writing this down, are you?" - my mom, after Florence Henderson was introduced.

I'm not quite sure what my mom has against Flo-Ho; maybe she doesn't approve of the way that Flo-Ho runs her hands between her breasts while dancing like a woman 1/8th her age. Personally, I thought her dance with Corky was kinda nice, despite the fact that I feared the entire time that she would dislocate her hip. I mean, I'm not saying Flo-Ho's old, but did you see her daughter?!?! She was the oldest daughter I've ever seen!! It kinda reminded me of Ash Tray's pop from Don't Be a Menace. "Man, you better organize them Sega Genesis cartridges!"

Kneel before Zod.

Even more shocking than Flo-Ho not shattering her limbs occurred when ABC panned to the crowd to show that Peter Brady is STILL with that lunatic that he met on The Surreal Life! You're telling me that Courtney Cox and WhatsHisName can't stay together, but they can?!?! And here's the least shocking thing you'll ever hear: did you know that Peter Brady's wife was the winner on the very first season of America's Next Top Lunatic?!?! ........ I know!

"Look at her boobs on the left. They are awful." - my mom again, this time referring to Audrina.

Who knew that my mother was such a hater? However, I gotta agree with her. There's a reason that in the four weeks that I've been writing this crap blog, I've never even mentioned Audrina; she's a snooze.

"Take your shirt off." - my wife, as Bristol the Pistol's partner, Mark, disrobed during their performance. 

Normally I'd embrace any sexual deviance on the part of my wife, but she said this in such a muttered tone that it seemed to be just a little too honest. In fact, I'm not even sure if she knew that she said it out loud. Later, she clarified that she's normally not that into Mark, but he looked great tonight. Looking equally as great without taking her shirt off was Sarah Palin, who showed a little cleavage, possibly an homage to Florence Henderson.

Also, did you notice that The Pistol did in fact shoot footage of herself feeding her baby? predicted by yours truly last week as a last ditch attempt to stay on the show. (Wow, Ev! You're such a soothsayer! Take yourself and this stupid blog more seriously you pretentious prick!)

"Believe that you're awesome." - Derek Hough (Jennifer Grey's partner), trying to motivate her when she was feeling down for being as old as Florence Henderson's daughter.

Look, I'm not trying to hate (like my mom), but this line came straight from Cornball City. (Amazingly, that last line about Cornball City also came directly from Cornball City. Buy-one-get-one.) However, because Derek is WITHOUT A DOUBT the greatest dancer / choreographer ever, I'm guessing that Jennifer Grey ate it up and was motivated to be absolutely awesome.

"Who's that guy who died recently and ended up being a bum? From Diff'rent Strokes? This guy reminds me of him." - yep, that's my mom again, claiming that the chubby black guy reminds her of Gary Coleman. 

You gotta give my mom a little credit for at least remembering the show was called, Diff'rent Strokes. Also, for the record, I think this Kyle guy is all right, but has no shot to be an actual contender based on the fact that he reminds women like my mother of a 4 foot 8 inch child-star who ran for the Governor of California versus Conan The Barbarian and a porn star. However, he does embody every characteristic of chubby black stars that we love; he's goofy, he can dance a little bit, he thinks he's sexy, just like Rerun, Charles Barkley and Regis Philbin.

GC's sweatshirt seriously looks so comfortable.

(Quick side-note that is just so so dumb: I tried to look up Gary Coleman on Wikipedia to see just how short he was, but accidentally searched for his name on Dictionary.com. The site did not come up with any results, but suggested that maybe I meant to search for "dry cleaning" or "dry cleaner.")

"This is just a dance and you're just a performer." - Kurt Warner's wife, assuring him that she was perfectly understanding of his provocative dance with the smoking hot, red-headed Russian. 

The night's biggest bunch of BS was spit out by Kurt Warner's wife, as there is NO WAY that she is okay with him rubbing up on the red-headed Russkie. As she delivered this message, I sort of thought that maybe she'd shoot laser beams out of her eyes a la General Zod.

In fact, having your partner go on Dancing With the Stars must be absolutely TERRIFYING for the spouses and significant others of these celebrities. Any idiot who has ever taken ballroom dancing classes (myself included) knows that the spark that is generated from dancing cheek-to-cheek is UNDENIABLE. About six years ago, I took ballroom dancing classes with a girl who I was stone-cold-locked in the friend-zone with and I can GUARANTEE that there were some General Zod-like sparks flying around during our fox trots. I can also guarantee that when my wife reads that last sentence she will grab the nearest kitchen knife and threaten to gut me for remembering any of our past Cha Chas. I'm guessing that Maksim Chmerkovskiy has a voice-mailbox full of scathing messages from Erin Andrews regarding the way he looks at Brandy. Which leads us to this gem:

"I haven't been with anybody in six years." - Brandy.

Remember these two? ... I know!

Not really that surprising. Reader Danny in L.A. (Fitness) says Brandy's face looks like "the skeleton of a horse." I actually disagree and think Brandy is quite pretty, but has the personality of a horse. I guess both are better than looking and acting like Shannon Sharpe.

And lastly:

"You're doing a great job with Situation." - Len Goodman, essentially telling The Situation's partner that she is a saint.

The bottom line is that despite his ability to beat up a beat or wear sweatpants below his Mason-Dixon line, Sitch is not a good dancer. Bruno told him, "That was a terrible mess," while Len Goodman said his performance was "consistent. It was bad throughout." After his belligerent display this past week on Jersey Shore, Sitch sealed his own fate.

Obviously I am sad to see Sitch go. I will miss the lines in his hair and the fact that he was legitimately trying to shove that catch phrase, "We got a situation here," down our throats. Who knows where his career will take him next? The Real World / Road Rules Challenge? The next host of MTV's The Grind? Maybe a stint doing 10-15 in Levinworth for statutory rape. I just know that if he ever tries to dance with my wife, I'd probably gut him.